I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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