Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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