god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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