Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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