i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
