I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
