$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
