Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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