Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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