This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Are we still banned from the library?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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