dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
