the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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