"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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