I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
ttyl tear gas
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
