FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
