My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize