I got chris browned last night
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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