if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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