Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
