Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
How does it feel to date your dad?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
