I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
no, he came in my armpit
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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