Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
