There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Alive.
So much puke
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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