You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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