Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize