I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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