Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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