So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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