So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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