there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I FOUND THE LEGS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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