Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
