Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
