Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
