her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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