i'm signing you up for texting rehab
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
