i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
