I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
