Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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