My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
