I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
