he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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