I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
