Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
