we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
