Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
