none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
this hospital has no fireball
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
