her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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