i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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