Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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