Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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