The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
