The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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