Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
