I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
