The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
