Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
