Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
