i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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