Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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