i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
