I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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