Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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